Funny Sayings and Quotes- Whenever you do feel sad or alone or you are getting bored, just read these famous funny sayings. I am sure after reading these famous funny quotes and sayings there will be smile on your face and you will forgot all your sadness. Reading these Funny Quotes will make you feel happy and change your mood. We have collected these great funny sayings from various resources and we hope you do like them.

• A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
• Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.
• Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.
• Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.
• An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'
• You can't have everything....where would you put it?
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - Mark Twain
• If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.
• Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce. ----Lord Byron
• Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
• An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
• If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• It a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. ----W. Sommerset Morgan
• You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

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10 Things That Piss Me Off:

1. People who point at their wrist while
asking for the time. I know where my watch is,
buddy...where the hell is yours? Do I point at
my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??

2. People in the supermarket check out line
who wait until their entire bill is rung up
before they begin writing their check.
Hello...is the store name going to change,
or the date, or your signature before the
clerk finishes? Get a clue!

3. People who are willing to get off their
ass to search the entire room for the damn TV
remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change it manually!

4. When people say..."Oh, you just want to
have your cake and eat it, too." Screw that!!!
What good is a damn piece of cake if you can't
eat it? What should I do...eat someone else's
piece of cake instead.

5. When people say..."It's always the last
place you look." No shit!! Why the hell would
you keep looking for it after you've already
found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where
are they??

6. When people say, while watching a movie
.."Did you see that?" No, dumb ass, I paid
$10.50 to come to a theater and stare at the
ceiling up there. What did you come here for??.

7. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
Didn't really give me a choice there, did
ya buddy?

8. When something is "New & Improved," Which
is it? If it's new, there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement then there must
have been something before it!

9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks
if you know how fast you were going. "You should
know, asshole. You're the one that pulled me
over!"

Here's the 10TH thing that really pisses me off...

10. Chain letters! Who the hell thinks that
by annoying other people with stupid mail with
no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or
make your long-lost love fall into your arms.
Bullshit! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid
chain letter that the computer gods are going to
curse me!!

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." --Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Steve Martin

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." --Woody Allen

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." --Bill Kelly

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --Henry Miller

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." --Lynn Lavner

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." --P. J. O'Rourke

"As the French say, there are three sexes--men, women and clergymen." --Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Woody Allen

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." --George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." --Matt Barry

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Drew Carey

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." --Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns

"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all." --Rodney Dangerfield

“When I get down on my knees, it is not to pray” --Madonna