A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
             
A half-gallon of 2% milk                                               
A carton of eggs                                                       
A quart of orange juice                                                   
A head of lettuce                                                         
A 2 lb. can of coffee                                                     
A 1 lb. package of bacon                                               
                                                                           
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. 
 
While the purchases were being rung-up, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single.."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.     
                                                                           
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"                                                                                              
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly".